Scenes from my so-called life

"Your Nans remains the same nurturing soul in both life and the afterlife." Nans, Tita Ging said this in her text to me this morning. She also said she remembers you with much love and prayers on this day--your birthday. When I read that, I couldn't help but shed some tears. Ikaw yan eh, 'lakas mo! Also, I thought, your brand of love has incredible recall! Timeless and boundless. Marketing people can learn something from you. Anyway, Nans, I'll keep it relatively short today.  For some reason, this poem I wrote in 2001 came to mind, and I believe it expresses my feelings today perfectly. So I'm offering this to you, because you are the biggest fan of my writing (Palihim mo pang ninenenok ang mga intermediate pad na sinusulatan ko. Nakakatouch.). When I Remember You In the midst of sadness, of forgotten glee, how I remember the days when you were with me. And slow as they may be, a smile and a sweet thought slip into my mind.

I sit quietly at the kitchen counter, mulling over my coffee. I tap the side of the mug with my fingers, hoping the clinking rhythm will calm my restless thoughts. “Hey,” a female voice says softly, breaking my train of thought. I look at the direction where the voice came from. I see Celine, leaning on the bannister, a worried expression on her face. “Hey, you,” I answer, and give her a smile for good measure, however weak. She smiles back and gently starts toward me. She pulls out the chair across me and slowly settles herself down. I watch her, keeping silent. Her eyes lock onto mine. I can see their tender concern. My breathing slows and I can feel my chest tighten, as if my heart is being squeezed. I continue to look at her face, and her eyes, wondering if she can see the resignation in mine. I want to break the silence somehow, but before I can, she reaches for my hand and she starts caressing my arm. I bite my lip as I try to hold back any tears that may

Dear Nans, I would have wanted to do this later tonight, but let’s face it. I won’t be able to get anything else done for today unless I finish this first. They say, acceptance comes before understanding. And while I know that to be true, and that there is no other course but to accept that you’re gone, I sometimes still find myself finding it hard to comprehend why you had to exit so early. But then, I did hold your hand in that ambulance and I told you that you could let go if hanging on was already becoming unbearable.  It would have been selfish of me to have asked you to keep on. I would much rather see you go with your spirit unbroken rather than have you stay and let cancer reduce you to a shell of your former self. My friends called you Sunshine. I will not have my Sunshine give way to darkness. You fought ever so courageously until the end. And I know you fought because of me, AB, Tatay and the multitude of people you touched with your love. Thank you. Aft

Sa lahat ng mga nanay, mabuhay po kayo! Alam namin, hindi niyo lang sinasabi o pinapahalata, pero marami na kayong sakripisyong ginawa mabigyan lang kaming mga anak at anak-anakan ninyo ng mas maginhawang buhay. Alam namin na gusto niyo din sana ng 2pc chicken joy pero dahil gusto pa namin ng fried chicken, binibigay niyo na lang samin yung isa, may kasama pang ngiti. Alam namin na gusto niyo pa sanang matulog pero inuunahan niyo na ang mga manok sa paggising para lang maihanda ang mga baon at gamit namin para sa eskwela o trabaho. Alam namin na maraming beses niyo na kaming gustong kutusan pero laging hinahabaan niyo pa ang pisi ninyo at pag-unawa. Alam namin na nagdurugo puso ninyo pag kami ay nabibigo o nasasaktan pero kayo pa ang unang yayakap sa amin at magsasabing, “Kaya mo yan.” Alam namin ang sikreto ninyo, kahit puspusan ang pagtatago ninyo nito. Kayong mga nanay namin, kayo ay mga tunay na superhero. At alam namin na utang namin sa inyo

Because the darkness It fades and gives way to light When you are with me