Scenes from my so-called life

I sit quietly at the kitchen counter, mulling over my coffee. I tap the side of the mug with my fingers, hoping the clinking rhythm will calm my restless thoughts. “Hey,” a female voice says softly, breaking my train of thought. I look at the direction where the voice came from. I see Celine, leaning on the bannister, a worried expression on her face. “Hey, you,” I answer, and give her a smile for good measure, however weak. She smiles back and gently starts toward me. She pulls out the chair across me and slowly settles herself down. I watch her, keeping silent. Her eyes lock onto mine. I can see their tender concern. My breathing slows and I can feel my chest tighten, as if my heart is being squeezed. I continue to look at her face, and her eyes, wondering if she can see the resignation in mine. I want to break the silence somehow, but before I can, she reaches for my hand and she starts caressing my arm. I bite my lip as I try to hold back any tears that may...

Dear Nans, I would have wanted to do this later tonight, but let’s face it. I won’t be able to get anything else done for today unless I finish this first. They say, acceptance comes before understanding. And while I know that to be true, and that there is no other course but to accept that you’re gone, I sometimes still find myself finding it hard to comprehend why you had to exit so early. But then, I did hold your hand in that ambulance and I told you that you could let go if hanging on was already becoming unbearable.  It would have been selfish of me to have asked you to keep on. I would much rather see you go with your spirit unbroken rather than have you stay and let cancer reduce you to a shell of your former self. My friends called you Sunshine. I will not have my Sunshine give way to darkness. You fought ever so courageously until the end. And I know you fought because of me, AB, Tatay and the multitude of people you touched with your love. Thank you....

Sa lahat ng mga nanay, mabuhay po kayo! Alam namin, hindi niyo lang sinasabi o pinapahalata, pero marami na kayong sakripisyong ginawa mabigyan lang kaming mga anak at anak-anakan ninyo ng mas maginhawang buhay. Alam namin na gusto niyo din sana ng 2pc chicken joy pero dahil gusto pa namin ng fried chicken, binibigay niyo na lang samin yung isa, may kasama pang ngiti. Alam namin na gusto niyo pa sanang matulog pero inuunahan niyo na ang mga manok sa paggising para lang maihanda ang mga baon at gamit namin para sa eskwela o trabaho. Alam namin na maraming beses niyo na kaming gustong kutusan pero laging hinahabaan niyo pa ang pisi ninyo at pag-unawa. Alam namin na nagdurugo puso ninyo pag kami ay nabibigo o nasasaktan pero kayo pa ang unang yayakap sa amin at magsasabing, “Kaya mo yan.” Alam namin ang sikreto ninyo, kahit puspusan ang pagtatago ninyo nito. Kayong mga nanay namin, kayo ay mga tunay na superhero. At alam namin na utang namin sa inyo...

Because the darkness It fades and gives way to light When you are with me

Ang dami nang nangyayari. At pagod na din pala ako. Ngayon ko lang napansin. Itong pagkawala ni Lolo Romy ang pinaka solid. Iba talaga pag pamilya na nawala. Ngayon masasabi ko talagang dama ko ang lungkot. Lord...Lord, pahingi ng suporta. Pa-hug ka naman diyan. :) P.S. Siguro yung dami ng taong nagpapadala ng kanilang condolences ay proof na sinusuportahan ako at ang pamilya ko ni Lord. Salamat!

Today, I talked about you--a lot more than usual. Today, I remembered you. And I remembered why I'm doing all that I am doing. I remembered my promise to you and my purpose for being here now. Today, I missed you. So much. My heart still reels whenever I realize you're no longer around. Today, I was reminded that I'm made of sterner stuff. Because your blood flows through my veins. Because my heart is patterned after your heart. Thus, I can love as much as, if not more than, you had loved. Today, I loved you. And I will always love you. Always. Today, you came by for a visit. Didn't you, Nans? :)   

Ito na ang ika-lima. Matagal ko nang pinaghandaan ito. Alam mo yan. Nung unang taon pa lang sinabi ko na bigyan lang ako ng limang taon at matatapos ko din ang proseso ng acceptance.  Ika-lima na.  Partida na, tanggap ko naman na. Pero siyempre hindi maiiwasan--at sa totoo lang naman, di ko din naman talaga kaya--na hindi ka maalala at mamiss. Eh ilang pulutong ng tao nga ang hindi magawa yon eh, tapos ako pa?! Naman! Si Tita Rose na lang ang isang halimbawa. Nung nagkita kami nung isang araw, binabanggit lang niya na mae-enjoy mo sana yung Jungian conference na inattendan niya eh napaluha na siya. Paggising ko kaninang umaga, akala ko planado at plantsado ko na ang araw na ito. Pupunta ako ng opisina. Magpapanggap akong magtatrabaho. Pupunta ako ng vet at gagawin ang iba pang mga errands. Uuwi at saka uupo sa tapat ng computer para gawin ang taunang pag-alala sayo. Kaso nasira ang schedule ko. Nung umaga, pagcheck ko sa FB, ang bumungad sa akin ay ang post ni ...