Loosen Up

While on a tricycle ride from Philcoa to Krus na Ligas in Quezon City, my conscience suddenly stirred and talked to me.

“You know, you’re too rigid. You play too much by the book,” he said. “Loosen up more.”

Now, I don’t know for the life of me why my conscience would strike up a conversation on a tricycle-he usually prefers to talk to me on jeepney rides-but he did have a strong point. Come to think of it, I might have a knack for having realizations while commuting. But I digress.

My conscience was right. I am too rigid. My dear mother has often told me that as well. Tita Rose, a Jungian psychologist, also said the same thing when she saw my drawing of a tree for a personality test (She didn’t know I drew it before she said that). Even Nhinya said something along those lines while munching on fries last night.

Sigh.

As much as I’d hate to admit it, they’re right. I guess I’ve always known it too. Why else would my conscience suggest it? My inner wisdom was working over time. Oh my gosh! I may have been in denial for the longest time or then again I might have just forgotten again.

I have always said that there’s nothing wrong with playing by the rules. Although, when I think about it, whose rules am I following anyway? Crap! They’re not mine. They’re society’s. I’ve been trying hard to live a life designed mostly by others.

Not mine.

“Why should it matter what other people think? They’re not thinking about you or your feelings. They’re mostly busy thinking about themselves and their feelings,” Nhinya said. It sounded harsh to me but later I agreed with her. Because when we get down and dirty with it, she’s right. It does not matter what other people think. What matters is what I think of and about myself.

The same thing was discussed in a Banahaw workshop I attended last year. Nhinya reminded me just last night. I did forget.

It’s a habit of mine to abide by the rules. And habits are hard to break, but they are breakable. No more excuses. No more blah. I’m making my own rules and living a life of my design.

Hmm, better yet, I’m willing to throw out the rules and live life by the moment, for the moment and at the moment. I am willing to live life as it goes. Without society’s so-called rules. Without worrying about what others think.

It’s my life. My moments.

“Relax a bit,” my mother said.

“It does not matter, Kuya Red,” Nhinya-pot said.

“Loosen up,” my conscience said.

I open myself to the idea.