Dalawang taon

After what happened two years ago, the second of August is remembered by most people as the day after President Cory died. But not me. I remember it quite differently.

Two years ago today, I remember being awoken by Ate Nora at around three in the morning because your bed pad needed changing and you did not have the energy to get out of bed. I remember having to carry you as they replaced your pad.

I remember having brunch at 11:00 a.m. because I got up late. I remember you having trouble breathing but that was often the case then so we were not that worried. I remember even offering you banana bread from Mer-Nel's, which you ate. I remember thinking after, that you were going to be fine.

I remember putting in the Before Sunset DVD because I didn't want to watch the coverage of Cory's wake. I remember thinking that it only serves to remind me of your condition and that I didn't want anything to do with those kinds of outcomes.

I remember Mama Lulu coming over at around 1:00 p.m. to see how you are. I remember you telling us to offer Mama Lulu merienda, which she politely declined because she had just taken lunch. I remember her saying she just wanted to check on you. She is, after all, your better half.

I remember Mama Lulu leaving shortly after that and us continuing to watch the movie. I remember you still wheezing and coughing.

I remember you saying at around 3:00 p.m., “Grabe, ito na pinakamatagal na ganito ah.”

I remember us gathering around you then. I remember rubbing your back; AB massaging your legs and thighs and wiping sweat from your face; Tatay scurrying about, getting the oxygen tank for you.

I remember urging you to rest, to sleep. I remember you looking at me. I remember you trying to keep your eyes wide open. I remember feeling awful to see you that way.

I remember your eyes rolling up and you dropping on the bed. I remember thinking that you had finally decided to try sleeping.

But then I remember Tatay beginning to panic. I remember him trying frantically to wake you up. I remember realizing something was wrong; that you were not trying to sleep.

I remember Tatay ordering Ate Nora to call the barangay paramedics. I remember him crying for the very first time since we found out you had cancer. At that point, I remember realizing that something wasn't just wrong, something was terribly wrong.

I remember AB giving you CPR. I remember seeing what looked like blood spew from your mouth. I remember all of us panicking by then.

I remember the volunteer paramedic rushing into the living room, where your bed had been. I remember him tripping all over himself, perhaps wondering how he got himself in an overwhelming situation on an otherwise lazy Sunday. I remember being annoyed by his apparent ineptitude and worrying that he was not getting you into the ambulance fast enough.

I remember Tatay and I getting in the ambulance with you. I remember Tatay brushing your hair. I remember holding your hand. I remember my tears finally falling and I remember trying to push them back. I remember thinking I didn't want to cry because for me it meant having given up.

I remember, while holding your hand, telling you that I didn't want you to go, but if fighting had become too painful for you, that you could go...I remember telling you that you could go.

I remember wheeling you into the emergency room of VRPMC. I remember doctors trying to revive you. I remember them driving me away when I try to peek through the curtains. I remember feeling that they didn't understand, that I had to see. No matter how painful, I had to see.

I remember the doctors stopping, after about 20 minutes of trying. I remember Tatay breaking down. I remember AB breaking down. I remember breaking down.

I remember losing you that day, Nans. I remember losing you on the second day of August 2009. Three days shy of my birthday.

And I remember as if it just happened yesterday.