Realizations


April 19, 2012

After allowing my anger and my bitterness, I have come to realize that what I was after from the beginning was to love her and ensure her happiness. And if she feels loved and happy now, I guess I got what I wished for anyway. It's just unfortunate that I am not the one doing the loving and making her happy. But it's more unfortunate that I was not the one chosen to be loved and made happy back.

But that's life. I did say I'll respect her choice. So I'll respect it now. Besides, I have already gone through the motions. Allowing my feelings apparently helps me gain peace faster.

However, just to be clear, I was hurt by what she did. I felt slighted being cut off and left to wonder what was happening and if I did something to offend her. It was also painful to have learned of developments from other sources instead of straight from her. I was hurt that she could not talk to me about it. I was expecting her to be better than that.

But I guess that's the source of my disappointments--the expectations I've placed on her and her not meeting them. Ideally, part of truly loving her would have been not to have any expectations. But I'm only human and, on the same breadth, she's only human. Like me, she was just doing the best she can. She was dealing with things the way she knew how.

Of course, I wish she could have gone a different direction. She could have used a gentler, more diplomatic and friendlier approach. But she didn't. The situation went that way. I cannot change that anymore. All I can do now is let it go.

At the height of my anger, I wanted to lash out at her and pin all the blame for my pain on her. I thought it. I am glad I didn't act on it. I am glad that I was aware I would have regretted it if I did.

Honestly, I don't fully understand things yet. But I have accepted that things are so. Perhaps if we would be able to talk later on it would bring me, and maybe even her, healing and peace of mind faster. But I'm good. I know and feel that it's time to let go. So I'm doing that.

We both deserve love and to be loved. We both deserve to be happy. She has found love and happiness it seems. Instead of holding on to spite and vengefulness, I'll just bless her, extend love to her one more time and walk on. I'll find someone who'll freely give me her love, too, and it will be to her that I will give the love I had always been prepared to give.

And so ends another scene from my so-called life.

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    Awww, here's a virtual hug across the miles for you, my friend.

    Manang Berns

    ReplyDelete
  2. RedMay 14, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    Ngayon ko lang nakita comment mo, Manang Bernz. Thanks for the virtual hug! :)

    ReplyDelete

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