Realizations


April 19, 2012

After allowing my anger and my bitterness, I have come to realize that what I was after from the beginning was to love her and ensure her happiness. And if she feels loved and happy now, I guess I got what I wished for anyway. It's just unfortunate that I am not the one doing the loving and making her happy. But it's more unfortunate that I was not the one chosen to be loved and made happy back.

But that's life. I did say I'll respect her choice. So I'll respect it now. Besides, I have already gone through the motions. Allowing my feelings apparently helps me gain peace faster.

However, just to be clear, I was hurt by what she did. I felt slighted being cut off and left to wonder what was happening and if I did something to offend her. It was also painful to have learned of developments from other sources instead of straight from her. I was hurt that she could not talk to me about it. I was expecting her to be better than that.

But I guess that's the source of my disappointments--the expectations I've placed on her and her not meeting them. Ideally, part of truly loving her would have been not to have any expectations. But I'm only human and, on the same breadth, she's only human. Like me, she was just doing the best she can. She was dealing with things the way she knew how.

Of course, I wish she could have gone a different direction. She could have used a gentler, more diplomatic and friendlier approach. But she didn't. The situation went that way. I cannot change that anymore. All I can do now is let it go.

At the height of my anger, I wanted to lash out at her and pin all the blame for my pain on her. I thought it. I am glad I didn't act on it. I am glad that I was aware I would have regretted it if I did.

Honestly, I don't fully understand things yet. But I have accepted that things are so. Perhaps if we would be able to talk later on it would bring me, and maybe even her, healing and peace of mind faster. But I'm good. I know and feel that it's time to let go. So I'm doing that.

We both deserve love and to be loved. We both deserve to be happy. She has found love and happiness it seems. Instead of holding on to spite and vengefulness, I'll just bless her, extend love to her one more time and walk on. I'll find someone who'll freely give me her love, too, and it will be to her that I will give the love I had always been prepared to give.

And so ends another scene from my so-called life.

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 26, 2012 at 10:29 PM

    Awww, here's a virtual hug across the miles for you, my friend.

    Manang Berns

    ReplyDelete
  2. RedMay 14, 2012 at 9:24 AM

    Ngayon ko lang nakita comment mo, Manang Bernz. Thanks for the virtual hug! :)

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I'm half gay. That makes me 1/4 female.

(Inspired by a conversation with Angge last Sunday and Jeco's Guilty Pleasures.) That's what I told people back in college when they asked me why I was the way I was. Now, I conveniently tell people, "Mass Comm ako eh," to explain why I can appreciate the clothes worn by the characters in Sex and the City The Movie. But those are just excuses. They say it's being in touch with my feminine side. Well, whatever. I read Sweet Valley Twins and Sweet Valley High back in elementary school along with my Marvel and DC comics. I never got into that Hardy Boys bit though. I played and still play basketball, tatsing, habulan, luksong baka, soccer and other physical sports. But I also played and would probably still play 10-20 and Chinese garter. I've cried and will probably still cry in some movies (Patch Adams immediately comes to mind) and have voluntarily watched my fair share of chick flicks. But I didn't flinch during the battle scenes of Braveheart and haven...
Read more

Adventure update

After a week it seems that, aside from me and Frank, no one else could commit to a November 30 trip. We kinda forgot that most of our media practitioner friends do not have holidays and often have work on Saturdays. Therefore, we have decided to reschedule the trip. However, kami naman ang di pwede ng December 2, which is when most of you can go. Hehe. In any case, paguuntugin muna namin ulit ni Frank ang ulo namin to come up with a schedule and itinerary that will benefit the most people (note: most, hindi lahat, as we have agreed that it's impossible to please everybody). we will inform you ASAP what we come up with. Oks ba yon? Maraming salamat. :) Meanwhile, Tarra has an outstanding invitation to watch Enchanted. Anyone want to watch a movie? Moreover, I heard through the grapevine that Tarra is going to organize an Enchanted Kingdom trip. Di ba Tarra? Hehe.
Read more

Inanities

You told me to sit still. And I tried and did for a while. But then a twitch and an itch happened. And stillness eluded me. So go back to being still, you said. But running and jumping seemed so fun. I thought you'd get angry but you just watched. Aren't you going to stop me? I asked. A simple no you uttered. You're free to do what you want, you said. So I ran and I jumped and turned cartwheels and all. And I felt free. I felt light. I felt right. Then I got tired and my jump became a skip. My run became a walk. And I turned to you and asked, May I sit once more? You smiled and pointed beside you. My child, your spot has been waiting for you Until you have chosen to sit once more. That's what you said. And I walked towards you, With your hand you reached out. Sit here with me, you said. Sit and be still. And I tried and I did. And rest came to soothe my weariness. And balance asked if it may sit with me. And you smiled. And I felt free. I felt light. I felt right. ...
Read more