Happy 8th Birthday, Nans!

Hello, Nans!

 Quick confession. I forgot that it was your death anniversary today. It was only when I saw the “On this day” reminders on Facebook that I was, well, reminded. 

 Sorry... :)

 So, 

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you. 

 I remembered that I dreamt of you the other day. We were in Pansol. We were riding a motorcycle together, and I was driving. 

 When I woke up I thought that was a hoot, and far from the truth. Because you told me before that you would disown me the moment I get a motorcycle for myself. 

 Well, Nans, it's been eight years. There have been many times I've been tempted to buy a motorcycle, but there's still no motorcycle in the driveway.

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you. 

 I remembered the way you would playfully stroke my back, especially when you're trying to get me to run errands for you. And you would add, “Sige na, anak.” in that paawa/pakiusap tone that you have. And it worked beautifully every time. Demet!

 How could I refuse you, especially when you use what you learned in your psychology classes to “encourage”me to do stuff. 

 Devious. Slow clap for you, Nans.

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you.

 I remembered March 12, 2005—the day you graduated with a Masters degree in Psychology from  Ateneo. 

 I drove for you on that day. You were so happy to have finished your Masters. I felt happy, too, as I witnessed you come up the stage and get your diploma. Proud child moment. 

 Afterwards, you chit-chatted with your batchmates while returning your togas in one of the classrooms. Then we ate at Yellow Cab to celebrate. 

 Now, I don't know why this particular memory came up today. But, hey. Good times, Nans.

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you.

 I remembered the way you would put me to sleep when I was still a kid. 

 Whenever you're at home in Pansol, I would refuse to sleep unless you were beside me and I was shoving my face in your kili-kili. That, and that I must be holding your hand. 

 I think that's why holding hands for me is a big thing until now. It reminds me of how I felt safe and loved holding your hand to sleep, Nans. 

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you. 

 I remembered the plans you were making even though your cancer has metastasized. 

 We were supposed to go on a family vacation to Bohol. You were supposed to reestablish the People's Well-Being Center with Sister Emma and Tita Bernie. You were supposed to ride in my new car, because you said magtatampo ka kung hindi at isusumpa mo ako.

 Well, let's realize one of those plans of yours today. Shall we, Nans?

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you.

 I remembered how you kept the things I wrote back in high school and in college--for Comm II. I found the drafts in your drawer.

 Many of those articles were edited by you. You were my editor-in-chief for the many things I have written. I would always have you run through things I wrote back then.

 Thank you, Nans, for taking pride in my writing. I promise to keep on writing for you.

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you.

 I remembered that I owed you a tribute article this year. 

 The premise was simple enough. I thought of sharing eight things and moments I remembered about you.

 It kinda surprised me that what came to fore were not memories of anniversaries, birthdays, weddings, Christmas celebrations, and other milestone or big events (except for your graduation). I was actually gunning for those at first. But then, something as random as this came.

 Maybe, it's because I and the people who love and care for you, were really able to experience you—your love, your vibrance, your being—in the commonplace events and happenings of life with you. It was in these moments that you remained raw and real. We were able to experience who you really were in the simplest of moments. And for that, we are grateful.

 I forgot that today was the day you left. But I remembered you.

 And today, I remembered how much I miss you and love you. 

 But I carry these memories of you in my head and in my heart. And that makes it seem that you never left at all.

 Happy 8th birthday in heaven, Nans!

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