Mga nahalungkat ko sa baul

Habang hinahanap ang mga MP3 cds ko iba nahanap ko. Ang mga back-up cds ko ng mga sinulat at kalokohan ko nung bandang 2002-2004.

Ito dalawa sa mga kalokohan ko dati.

Mahilig ako kumain ng ampalaya

             Nakakatuwang nakakaiyak na…A basta, yun na yon! Nakakalitong i-define lalo na kung di mo alam ang depinisyon. Nakakaleche!

             Ba’t nga naman kasi ganon? Magmamahal ka na nga lang masasaktan ka pa! Paksyet, pare! Di ko talaga magets. Kaya nakakaburat magmahal eh. Ang laki na nga ng puhunan, wala ka na ngang tubo, sa huli luging-lugi ka pa!

             Tignan mo si Sam at si Frodo. Mahal ni Sam si Frodo pero tanga si Frodo! Ikaw ba mas gusto mo ng Smigol/Gollum kaysa kay Sam? Putsa! Ang laki naman ng ikina-cute ni Sam ‘no? Masabihan ka pa ng, “I can’t carry your burden, but I can carry you!” Hanep, pang-tunaw ng puso. Pero ano? Tinalikuran siya ni Frodo! Hanep pare, pinauwi niya! Di ko gets! Di niya lang alam kung ano namimiss niya!

          Wow, man! Ang sarap magmahal! Nakaka-pwe! Hay, ayoko man sanang isipin, mukhang tama ang kaibigan ko, “Love is a disease!” At please lang, ayokong mahawa. Sabi nga ng Clusivol, “Bawal magkasakit!” Aba’y putsa, kung sana lang multivitamins din siya para sa puso eh di sana di na nagkakasakit ang tao! Mabenta pa Clusivol. Lecheng disease yan! AIDS na lang, pwede? Bad trip naman kasi! Tatanga-tanga si Kupido. Sinabi na kasing mag-contact lens eh ang tigas pa ng ulo. Nagiilusyon kasi, akala niya siya si Legolas. Ayan tuloy, wala sa oras. Para akong nag-breakfast kung kailan dapat dinner na. Ayan tuloy, sira ang tiyan ko. Leche, tissue nga!

             Putsa, pakiramdam ko daig ko na ang ampalaya, atay, beer at apdo na nilagay sa osterizer at ginawang shake. Isa na akong energy drink ng mga sawi sa pag-ibig. Hay nako! Ba’t naman kasi kailangang masawi? Di ba pwedeng sugatan lang? Yung tipong sisigaw na lang ako ng “Goodness, I need CPR!” Di ba pwedeng tanggalin muna yung puso at ilagay muna sa display case? O kaya I-donate sa mga med students sa PGH? Sige, hahayaan ko silang pindot-pindutin at duruduruin ng bolpen yung left ventricle. Pakipagpag na lang pagkatapos. Baka sakaling maisipan ko pang gamitin ulit. Alam mo naman tayo, masokista! Di pwedeng one time lang. Di pwedeng madurog lang ang puso, dapat apak-apakan pa’t ilublob sa kumukulong tubig. Ganon eh, love kasi. Pero, ba’t  nga naman kasi ganon? BAKEEETTT!!!?

             Nakakatanga nga naman kasi yang love. Para siyang surprise exam o group presentation kung kelan di ka nag-aral at bangag ka pa dahil sa inuman kagabi. Wow, tsong! Ngitian mo na lang ang prof mo! Baka sakaling madala pa sa charm. Hay, mag-drop ka na lang!

             As usual, wala nanamang sense ang mga sinabi ko. Eh ganon naman talaga ang love di ba? Senseless siya. Para siyang noon time show sa Pilipinas. Hay, aatakihin na ako sa puso kakaisip ng mga hinaing tungkol diyan sa tinatawag nilang pag-ibig, Matutuyuan lang ako ng dugo. Gedemet! Itigil na dapat tong kalokohan na ‘to! Syet!

 
Note: Hindi ako bitter. Natutuwa pa nga ako sa love eh. Sinusubukan ko lang maging-bitter. Hehe.

(Ang mga dating adventures ni Nina)

Nina's hang-over

It was another early Saturday afternoon. The sun was just about to start its descent toward the west. Most of the people were hustling and bustling all around. Some of them were taking their siestas. The children were outside playing or just running around. It was another typical weekend near Nina’s place.  

Nina opened her eyes.

             She was alone. Her friends who came over last night were gone. Her three housemates, she thought, must have left with them and had gone home to their provinces. She was left to fend for herself during the weekend.

             There she was, in her crumpled shirt and shorts, lying on the couch in the living room of her apartment. Her hair was a mess. Lipstick was smeared all over her face and the upholstery. Her cheeks showed spots of dried drool. Her eyes could pass for a morning glory plantation. One of her nails was broken. To top it all off, she had a killer head-ache. Giving her still blurry eyes a few rubs and looking beside her, she found the reason why.   

 On the coffee table, a hand’s reach from her, was an empty two-liter Coke bottle, a plate half-filled with hot and spicy Century tuna, a drinking glass, a shot glass, a bottle of gin, several more bottles of beer and an ash tray crammed with cigarette butts. They were reminders of another night of—depression, celebration or both? She could not remember which at that moment. She didn’t care anyway. All she knew was she drank—too much—and got wasted. Now, she had a tormenting hang-over to worry about.

 “Some friends! They didn’t even clear the table,” she thought to herself while giving out a tired sigh. Then she remembered how, when drinking at a friend’s house, she and her friends avoided cleaning responsibilities by leaving the mess to the host, who they would usually get drunk. She suddenly remembered the wide grins of her friends and housemates as she was gulping down her nth bottle of beer. “This must be karma,” she groaned.

 It took her about half an hour before she finally mustered the strength and will power to, at least, sit up. She tried to massage her aching head to no avail. She remembered she had aspirin in the medicine cabinet but her legs refused to stand. It took her another half-hour to manage to rise.

 Somehow, she was able to control her wobbly legs. She managed not to trip and break anything while she made her way to the bathroom. Once there, she took two aspirins from the medicine cabinet and gulped it down with the lead infested tap water. When she closed the cabinet, she screamed in self-loathing, as she gazed in horror at the reflection of the monstrosity that she was.

 “You need to wash your face. No, make that, you need a bath,” she muttered to her reflection in the mirror. Looking out to the coffee table she added, scowling, “After you clean up that mess.”               

 Nina went to the kitchen to get a broom, a dust pan and dish rags. She then hobbled back to the living room and started to clean up. She cleared the table and put the dishes in the kitchen sink where she washed them—twice, to make sure all the grime washed off. She swept the floor, wiped the table and the upholstery (good thing the couch was made of synthetic leather) and sprayed Glade all over the living room. She put back her coffee table decorations (three scented candles of varying sizes, two angel figurines and a small jar filled with potpourri).     

 Sweat dripped from her forehead as she swept the last remnant of dirt from the floor. She gave out a tired sigh as she placed the cleaning equipment back in the kitchen. She then slowly made her way to the bedroom to get her towel, bathrobe and fresh underwear. Then, with a smile, she headed to the bathroom for a well deserved bath.

 “Finally,” she thought as she closed the bathroom door behind her. She took off her dirty clothes and put them in her hamper. She stood for a moment underneath the shower before turning the dial. With arms wide open, she welcomed the cold, refreshing water that fell on her head and flowed all the way down to her toes.

 She shampooed and conditioned her hair and washed it thoroughly, making sure that the scent of the cigarettes from last night came off. She never liked the idea of her friends smoking in her living room but to stop them would mean pandemonium and probably murder—her murder. She soaped up and scrubbed her body with a loofah thrice to make sure that she’s clean. She washed under there with some feminine wash. She then proceeded to enjoy rinsing her body under the shower. Had she had a chair she would have sat under the pouring water for about 15 minutes before acknowledging the importance of conserving water.

 She dried herself with her towel, wrapped it around her hair and put on her robe. She then washed her face with Pond’s facial wash and dabbed it dry with a face towel. She flossed, brushed her teeth and gargled. She applied some deodorant. After a total of about an hour, she went out of the bathroom.

 Back in her room, Nina opened her closet and grabbed a shirt and shorts. Squeezing into them, she swore for the nth time that she would diet and exercise daily (promises from someone with a size 26 waist line). She sat down in front of her small dresser and towel dried her “just an inch below the nape” length hair. Afterwards, she brushed it with a hundred strokes to make it, according to a shampoo commercial she saw a few years back, shiny. Then, she applied some body lotion to maintain her fair, smooth skin and some hand lotion to ensure that her hands remained soft.

 After what would seem an eternity to most men, Nina finished her grooming rituals and went out again to the kitchen. She took a kettle and put about two and a half cups of water in it. She then started to heat it on the stove. While waiting for the water to boil, she opened the fridge to take out some bread, ham and cheese and proceeded to make a sandwich. When the water was hot enough, Nina poured it into her Winnie the Pooh mug and started to make coffee.

 With her late lunch-early dinner meal prepared, Nina settled herself in the dining table. She smiled as she made herself more comfortable. Her headache was nothing more but a memory by then. She looked at the empty bottles of liquor she placed just below the kitchen sink and again she smiled. She felt proud of herself, despite her hang-over. She matched her friends in drinking alcohol and she was able to clean the mess the following day. For her, that took guts and hard work.

 It was already five in the afternoon as she sat there sipping her coffee and taking little bites of her sandwich. “Next Friday I’ll be more prepared. Next time, someone else will clean up my mess. Hehehe!” she said to herself.

 The phone rang and she walked—make that glided—to the living room to answer it.

 “Hello?” she said in her “I can be a secretary” voice.

 “Awake already I see. And you sound fine. No headaches?” a guy’s voice came through the receiver.

 “Red, you scumbag! You didn’t even put the plates in the sink! Some friend! And, no I don’t have any headaches, thank you very much.” Nina said with what seemed to be renewed vigor.

 “Well, you can’t say I didn’t try. The others didn’t let me. They said I baby you too much and told me the work would do you good. Besides, I don’t remember you even offering to help me when we drank at my place. I figured it was time for a little payback. So there!” Red said firmly.

 “Okay, guilty as charged! Anyway, what’s up?” Nina replied

 “I’ll be coming by at around 6:30 with the others. And I bet you forgot why.” came the reply

 “No, I didn’t! Two Towers today at 7:30, SM North. You should learn to believe in me more Red.”

 “I was just making sure, Nina. Don’t get upset. I guess you’re over your hang-over. Meet you at 6:30 then.”

 “Ever OC Red. And what makes you think I had a hang-over? I bet you’re the one who has been sleeping until now. Admit it you poor excuse for a drinker.”

 “Right…You and your theatrics. This from someone knocked senseless on only her fifth bottle of beer and third shot of gin. I bet you don’t even remember…never mind.”  Red’s voice came through with muffled laughter.

 “Remember what? Tell me or else,” Nina threatened

 “Nothing. I’ll be dressing up now. Bye.” With that a click and a busy tone was what Nina heard next.

 “Hey…” Nina said. A look of worry and confusion marked her face. She then muttered a prayer hoping she didn’t do anything stupid while she was drunk. She already had too much memories and memorabilia (like the picture she keeps of her, head in a toilet puking her guts out, that her friend, Red, took a month ago) about drinking sessions gone bad. She didn’t want a new “accomplishment” that her friends would tease her about. She just let out a big sigh as she returned to the table to finish her meal.  

 Nina munched on her sandwich and finished her coffee. A hang-over and a movie on a Saturday. It was just a typical weekend in Nina’s so-called life.